Accidental Clicks By Brendan Whitt
Art by Cassie Blotzer WEBSITE: www.cassieblotzer.com INSTAGRAM: @xmaydaygirlx
John Walked into an all white room with a table, two chairs, and a two way mirror. He looked around the room inspecting every corner before taking a seat in the chair that faced the door. He sat and patiently waited for someone to walk into the door and explain where he was and why he was there. After a short while, a man in a tailored suit walked through the door. He was holding a notepad, pen, and donned a peculiar bright smile. The kind of smile that engrains itself in your memory long after you’ve seen him. He sat down in the chair across from John.
“Hello John,” he said “my name is Admen.”
“Hey Admen. How did you know my name without telling you?”
“It was on the survey you completed.”
John had no idea what survey Admen was talking about.“What survey?”
Admen looked down at his watch. “You completed a survey approximately 3 weeks, 4 days, 16 hours, and 23, 24, 25, 26 seconds ago.”
“Ok. That’s weird. So who are you?”
“I’m Admen.”
“Right but what do you do?”
“I survey and assess your wants and impulses. For a chance to win a prize would you like to complete a survey?”
Suddenly a white can appeared in the middle of the table. Admen stared at John never breaking eye contact while still donning his creepy bright smile. John confusingly stared back. John had been thirsty since he first walked through the door. He didn’t know where the can came from or what was in it, but the dripping condensation covering the can was seducing him.
“I though you were thirsty John. Why haven’t you opened your Brand’o Cola?”
“I’m not thirsty.”
“Sure you are. That’s why the soda appeared.”
John continued to stare at the can untrusting of its contents until he could no longer resist its draw. He slowly reached for the can as Admen began to jot down notes. John grabbed the can before cracking it open and taking a sip.
“Now that you have tried Brand’o Cola I would like to ask you three questions.” John shrugged his shoulders. “Question 1; before the product appeared would you say you desired a cola, did not desire a cola, or neutral?
“Neutral,” John said.
“Question 2; would you consider your experience with the product to be satisfactory, non-satisfactory, or neutral?”
John took another sip. “Satisfactory,” he responded.
“Question 3; Would you purchase this product in the future, yes, no, or neutral?”
“Yes,” John answered. Before he could grab the cola to take another sip the can disappeared. “Where’d my soda just go?”
“You completed the testing of the product,” said Admen.
“But I wasn’t done drinking it.”
“That was not the purpose of the cola John.” Admen said while still donning his perfect but creepy smile.
John was upset but he understood Admen’s reasoning. When he looked down at the floor he saw a brand new pair of all white sneakers sitting next to him. They were in much better shape than the old beaters on his feet. John’s eyes lit up as he reached for the sneakers. “Wow. These are some really nice sneakers. What are they?”
“These are Brand Sneakers.”
John kicked off his old shoes to try on the new sneakers. So how did I end up here anyway? I was just online buying some new bed linens and now I’m here.”
“I’m sorry John, I can not answer that question.”
“Do you know where we are?”
“Yes.”
“Are we in a hidden section of a store or something?”
“We’re anywhere, everywhere, and nowhere.” Admen said.
John gave Admen a cold stare as Admen simply smiled back.
“Please John, test out your new shoes.” Admen said as he pointed at the Brand’o Sneakers.
John stood up and took several steps before sitting back down. Admen began jotting notes into his notepad.
“Question 1; before the product appeared would you say you desired new sneakers, did not desire new sneakers, or neutral?”
“Desired,” John said.
“Question 2; would you consider your experience with the product to be satisfactory, non-satisfactory, or neutral?”
John looked down at his shoes saw that the old ones were back on his feet and the new sneakers had disappeared. “I don’t know. I only had them on for a minute.”
“I’m sorry John. That is not one of the choices.” Your choices are satisfactory, unsatis-”
“Unsatisfactory,” John blurted out.
“Please allow me to finish reading the options. Satisfactory, unsatisfactory, or neutral.”
“UNSATISFACTORY.” John said. His patience was beginning to wear thin with Admen.
“Thank you,” said admen.
“Question 3; Would you purchase this product in the future, yes, no, or neutral?”
John took a long pause before answering, “No”, he said.
“You are almost done with you consumer assessment.”
“Consumer what?” Before John could finish his thought a brand new all white smart phone appeared in the same spot that the cola was in earlier. John sat in his chair, agitated. He had been ready to leave since the cola disappeared but he wanted to see this ordeal through.
“Please test out the Brand’o Smartphone” Admen said.
John reluctantly picked up the smart phone and turned it on. He swiped through the apps before placing the phone back onto the table. “Alright, ask me the questions,” he said.
“Question 1; before the product appeared would you say you desired a new smart phone, did not desire a new smart phone, or neutral?”
“Neutral.”
“Question 2; would you consider your experience with the product to be satisfactory, non-satisfactory, or neutral?”
“Neutral.”
“Question 3; Would you purchase this product in the future, yes, no, or neutral?”
“Neutral.”
Admen wrote a few more notes down in his notepad. He was still smiling as brightly as he was when he first walked through the door.
“How many more do we have?” John said.
“Only 47 more questions to complete.”
John stood up and walked out of the room.